My competitive nature wins again!
She cracks me up.
So… I have to write it all out so I can laugh about it in 5 years. Or next week. Whatever. In March, during my P4G (Performance for Growth) conversation with my direct manager, he started pushing me, asking what I wanted to do in 5 years. I gave my standard answer: continue to develop my team and capabilities because I’ve been involved in digital marketing for 25 years, and I’m always learning something new with a lot of runway to improve. Plus, I want to “retire” in 7-10 years, and I’m not super ambitious at the moment.
He then suggested that he could see me running an entire marketing department in the future – caveat, at a smaller operating company. (Our Global Marketing department currently has 60 people.) That gave me pause. First off, it was very complimentary and made me feel good. It made me reconsider a few things, like, am I aiming too low right now? Should I continue to push myself and be more ambitious? It’s also a different feeling when you can talk about these things with your peers, but when your boss, someone higher up than you, says they see potential in you, I had to do a little double-take.
That was on a Tuesday. I spent 48 hours glowing a little bit and thinking about future prospects – and just the compliment of my boss seeing my potential – and then had that Friday off work to go visit John in Las Vegas. That Friday, my HR Director reached out on Teams without specifying what she wanted. I brushed it off, but on Monday, we were going back and forth on another matter, and she asked to speak with me. She then told me that she was recommending me for a Sr. Director of Marketing role at another OpCo (operating company), and the other HR Director knew me (we had met in a Kaizen last year) and would be reaching out.
WHAT were the chances? I immediately thought that my manager had advance knowledge. That definitely tainted it a bit – and continued to cement my opinion of how he operates – but it wasn’t a huge issue. It did make me roll my eyes. Obviously, it would be nicer if my boss was invested in me and could see my limitations and work with me more to develop a path in marketing to push me, but maybe I’m asking for too much? Pretty much everyone takes inspiration from others, so if someone else pointed it out, he took it and ran with it. It’s still a compliment. I then spent about 3 hours spiraling, wondering what exactly the role was.
Anyway. I tried reaching out to the other HR Director a few days later but she brushed me off saying the role wasn’t defined yet and I washed my hands of it because I didn’t need that kind of drama in my life.
Then, a few weeks later – on Monday – she emailed. The role was defined, it was posted “internally only” and they would be doing interviews that week and needed to make a quick decision.
That told me that they already had a candidate in mind and this would basically be a courtesy interview. I talked to a few trusted friends, and there was definite talk about “you don’t know that” and “they reached out, they wouldn’t do that,” but also the sentiment that “that may be true, but you should go in prepared anyway.” Which is how I felt good about it. I wish I had all the info in the beginning. I applied, and then the next day tried reaching out to one or two people, but they kept referring me back to the hiring manager, saying, “he would reach out to talk to you.” I reached out to the hiring manager, and he put me off. On Thursday, he finally set an interview time for Friday morning for 30 minutes. I spent a few minutes each night thinking about the last few years, successes, and looking up potential interview questions. I didn’t spend too much time on it, but my brain was definitely focused on it for much of the week. But a 30-minute Friday interview for a role this big? Please. That was a screening call.
On Thursday, after I finally got the interview time set, I was extremely pumped and motivated though. I had a really good morning, a great workout, a great vent session with Nicole (in person as opposed to Marco), and was feeling productive after a huge 3-hour-long meeting from 5-8 am. I went into work and ended up having an 80-minute work chat with my boss.
Short version: he confirmed he knew about it and was throwing it out there to see what I would say. I pushed a little, asking him if he knew more about it. He said our HR Director had come to him first to see if it was okay. He seemed to think that the other group was coming to us. I was pretty sure it was my HR Director just knowing about the role and pushing me on it to give me visibility. It felt like they already had their person.
But he gave me enough doubt that, oddly enough, I felt really freaked out after we were done talking. There is something freaky about having expectations placed on me that I have to meet, rather than a lower-stakes discussion. I called another work friend and told them what was happening and said I needed a pep talk. They said all great things and turned me around.
Anyway, I woke up in the morning, got another pep talk from a trusted friend, and reviewed my notes before the 9 am interview. I was feeling positive.
And it’s funny what I look for in opportunities like this. Within the first 60 seconds, I had already made a split decision that I liked the guy and was getting a good vibe. He didn’t waste any time and wanted to have me go over my background. (I found out later that he didn’t even LOOK at my resume beforehand. Which… fine.) But we had a great conversation. We connected over 2-3 things, he told a good story, and I told a good story. We were on the same wavelength on the big issues. The 30 minutes went by quickly, and he said he had another meeting. (No, he didn’t have one officially on his calendar – so… clearly, he was getting me off the phone.)
But I was happy with myself. I was thrilled with how the conversation went, proud of myself for feeling confident and driving the conversation. It really felt like there was nowhere to go from here but connection with him, and it felt good. For the amount that I did prepare (and I DIDN’T prepare for a similar conversation/interview 4 years ago that still haunts me a bit), I was satisfied with how things went.
I chatted with a few friends, updated them, had a medical appt, and then two hours later remembered that Thank You Notes were a Thing. Send a fairly amusing thank you note – with my particular brand of fun – and called it a day.
And then three hours later he called back. He already had his person for the role but WOW I impressed him. Would I be interested in a different role? Instead of a Global role, it would be with North America.
Man, I felt fantastic. What a win. That 30 minutes did the job that I wanted it to. I showed up. I sparkled. I convinced. I swayed. And I impressed.
It feels like two years ago when I spent 8 minutes with a new leader and convinced him I was the person to take my current job. It was a literal 8 minutes on the phone, I connected with him, and I remember him saying, “Why shouldn’t you have that role?”. Like duh, just talk to me and let me convince you with my plan. I have a plan, it’s a good plan, it’s better than your plan, so let’s go with me. I feel like this is my super-power!
But I still have to shake my head at myself a little bit. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t completely judge my performance and where I should improve myself.
A) First, I read the room really well. Gotta pat myself on the back for that. I generally see the behind-the-scenes and politics happening and understand the nuances of the psychological nature of people. Not totally well. I miss a lot. But generally pretty dang good. And especially in business.
B) Wow, I totally get intimidated by things I don’t think I can do. Or when I actually feel I have a chance to do something, the stakes feel too high, and it feels overwhelming. Yet, when I’m coming at it with nothing to lose, what’s my risk? And then I go full out. Whyyyy do I do that? That’s TERRIBLE.
I’m a total scaredy cat. I have a fear of failure. And I need a lot of external validation. I also REALLY cling to what’s comfortable and prefer to sit in control of what I know and can do.
So that’s fun.
I am incredibly effective when I have nothing to lose, and yet when there is a prospect or potential of some real achievement or goal, I just sit back and do nothing. How does that even make sense? (Okay, fine, it makes sense.)
But it’s good learning and growth for me. If I can start treating these opportunities as smaller milestones in my journey, I can maybe get over some of these inadequate feelings.
Either way, I think it’s funny that I was SO nervous and excited when he called me the second time. I had such a wave of validation and felt so powerful… yet a few hours later, my brain, if not worried about the future, wasn’t thinking about what just happened, and was off to the next thing.
This is why therapists are always going to have jobs.
Pic of a funny Enneagram meme I screenshot and it reminds me to treat myself with care.
