Mutual

I’m not a tennis player nor a big fan of the sport. I know love means zero but I still don’t understand the scoring. My parents are fans so I will lightly follow some of the big names. My mother actually had some tennis great that she was matchmaking for my sister at some point. (Because that’s normal, right?)

But the last few days I’ve seen this “Deep Read” titled “Bitter rivals. Beloved friends. Survivors.” and I got sucked into the article.

What a beautiful story about fierce competitors who were once friends and rivals… but then stepped back in friendship at some point, only to come back together.

“They became the kind of friends who talked and texted weekly, sometimes exchanging black-box confidences deep in the night.”

WaPo

It was also fascinating to read it from this reporters perspective (Sally Jenkins) who has been covering these tennis matches since almost the beginning (1984). She has profiled both of these players in-depth over the years. Learning about their cancer diagnosis, she thought it was interesting that they shared they told each other almost FIRST about the diagnosis. And then she dove into this story to uncover their friendship.

“We were the last two left standing,” Evert says. “… I saw her at her highest and at her lowest. And I think because we saw each other that way, the vulnerable part, that’s another level of friendship.”

WaPo

The entire read goes over their history, the matches they played against each other, how they helped each other personally, and the similar cancer stories they went through.

One of the quotes I loved…

“Friendship is arguably the most wholly voluntary relationship. It reflects a mutual decision to keep pasting something back together, no matter how far it gets pulled apart, even when there is no obligatory reason, no justice-of-the-peace vow or chromosomal tie.”

But reflecting on their friendship and how it relates to friendship in general just got me thinking.

There are certain people that you just keep going back to. That you feel compelled to reach out and keep a connection with.

And there are others where you try and then it’s like a light-switch flips and you are done with them. I’ve had multiple of those friendships over the years and I can look at them and understand when it happened. One was very clearly me saying no thank you to continuing. Another was mutual irritation and disgust. And yet another, where I tried to keep making the effort but it just never sparked back up and turned into a “someone that I used to know” and think of fondly.

I have a current friendship that I’m evaluating right now and I’m thinking about it – and realizing I’m being there for them but they have no interest in anything I’m going through. And while I feel compelled to check in on them, I’m realizing it’s also okay to keep taking a step back to even see if that changes.

It is just so interesting how friendship needs to have that mutual decision. That mutual consistent effort of “this is something important to me”. The person on the other side of the friendship has to have something to give. They are fascinated with you and your interests. You have to keep choosing them and to keep connecting.

Once you hit a point, whether it’s a time frame or a series of events, you just make that decision to keep them in your life forever.

In 2011, a Dutch sociologist did a study of 1000 men & women between 18yo and 65yo and then interviewed them 7 years later. Only 30% of the original friendships remained.

For me, some of my best friendships have survived with no judgement on either side, amazing communication, and listening to each other to feel seen and heard.

It’s really a cool thing.