I was a little out of sorts, off-balanced, uneasy. I knew I was stuck but I wanted to power my way through it in another direction assuming that would get me past my thoughts and into another – better – place.
It was a good jolt to be asked to think about it from another perspective and actually work on the difficult part. I didn’t realize at first that was what we were doing but then I got walked through a shift.
My current perspective was stuck, unhappy, uneasy, and I didn’t know where to go to next. We talked about that for a bit and I don’t remember what other words I used. But the label we ended up on for naming that perspective was ‘stuck poop’, basically thinking about Sam’s scopy’s and what the doctor couldn’t find because they were blocked.
So I was asked to consider a few other perspectives. It was an interesting exercise because I really struggle with labels and emotions. And I know that there is technically no wrong answer, it’s about what’s in me, at that moment. But I always feel fairly silly and, let’s say, stupid, and there is nothing I like less than feeling stupid without any way to figure out how to get smarter about it. Anyway.
So the comment was made about my word of the year – and what did I imagine for it. My word is cultivate! I imagined a single tulip, pink, and delicate. Sort of in a garden, and while it would be nice to be surrounded by more flowers, I had a single one in my head. We talked about what that pink tulip meant – hope and sanctuary. What it would say to my situation. I was imagining it could say that you can reach out and be curious and find out more.
Where was I imagining that pink tulip? Under a big beautiful tree. A tree that I imagined would be in Hawaii, with big branches and leafy greens. But not quite a Hawaii tree, more of a Giving Tree, with a wide base to sit and rest awhile. What would that peaceful tree say to my current state? That everything will be okay at the end. It’s going to work out and you are going to be fine.
Next was imagining one of my best friends and what they love. They love music, so what did that look like? Rock, playful, upbeat, wild. Ang’s music said to my current state that it was okay to let go, to have a little fun.
We rolled into something delicious to eat – and I said chocolate gelato. It’s technically forbidden since I’m not supposed to eat it, it’s an indulgence, it’s forbidden but satisfying. I wanted to be able to indulge in things I found were worthwhile, and enjoy them. Enjoy all of what life has to offer.
The last perspective was writing. Writing is a struggle but also satisfying, it’s connecting, knowing the perfect thing to say was just in reach, it’s action oriented, relatable and yet reflecting. I feel like a few of those perspectives were saying, “Let go” that things would be okay.
All of those perspectives had something to say. Similar but slightly different. But did I want to say them to my situation? Not really. The struggle was there. And I was reminded that we were still thinking about me, about what I was sitting with and not what I needed to do. To sit back and really be with a different perspective.
So we reviewed them all again:
Stuck poop
Pink tulip
Peaceful tree
Ang’s music
Chocolate gelato
Flow state / writing
And at each one I took a breath and sat for a minute thinking about it. I had such uplifting thoughts on the music and flow state. Those seemed active and fun. We combined those into one perspective that I imagined was creative, musical, flowing and I pictured a red dress. A slinky, flowing, comfortable, but beautiful, red dress. Did I picture it on me? Not really! But just the state of a red dress immediately came to mind. I would love to be wearing one.
Then we talked through what Red Dress wanted to BE and what she wanted to DO. I took some of the words down and worked through them…
Red Dress wants to be a culture setter, embracing individuality and creativity, always be growing and evolving, a traveler exploring the world with curiosity and a sensual spirit. Red Dress wants to also embrace vulnerability, be fun and playful, and smile at life’s unexpected twists and turns. Red Dress wants to be an interrupter of things, and find new adventures and experiences, and be sexy and confident while doing it, as well wanting to be inspirational and empowering.
Red Dress wants to be able to talk and have hard conversations without getting stuck. Red Dress wants to experience life, be physical and sensual in moments of connection, wants to have fun and pursue life with laughter and flirtation and joy. Red Dress wants to work on hard things, so a positive mindset can stick around and always be present.
I can get things wrong. Sometimes. 🙂 I don’t have to be a perfectionist. I can try to let things go.
How does this perspective show up differently?
I want to show up today feeling comfortable and confident and with a smile on my face. I want to be curious and interested in my family and try to foster good conversations at dinner.
I do keep getting stuck because I want to stomp my feet and justify to myself why doing some of these things will be hard and not work out.
And it’s not perfect. But I can think of twice in the last few days that I’ve grabbed my notebook, read through the notes, and then stepped into a situation with a little bit of a lighter heart and better mindset and I’ve felt better.
It’s so easy and yet so incredibly hard. And it makes me sad, and also makes me hopeful and happy, and I’m still stuck, but also moving forward. It’s basically a weird place to be in my brain right now, a place of acceptance. It’s being kinder to myself as I navigate emotions that are scary. It’s trusting that these small steps are moving me forward. I’m grateful for learning more about myself and the process that this is taking as I feel more connected to my family and friends. Where I’m at right now is beautiful but the potential of where I’m going… is unlimited.
