I was browsing IG this morning and ran across an article in the Atlantic which immediately made me stop and read.
“Why calling loved ones by their name is strangely awkward”
OMGosh, YES! Why, Atlantic? I must know.
Names are so important. I will make people repeat their names to me three times. I have to write them down if I want to remember them in a week. I hyper-fixate on pronouncing them correctly because a lot of the time I feel like I DON’T.
We have two people at work who have unique names. They have said multiple times that their name can be pronounced either way, it doesn’t bother them. And it is pronounced at least 4 different ways by multiple people. Constantly. And I feel terrible because I have had a full on conversation with both of them at some point where we talked about it, I asked them how they introduce themselves, and I memorize it, commit it to memory and now I’m not sure if I remember correctly at all. I’m pretty positive… but with everyone saying a different version, I feel super paranoid about it.
Then, there are super common names that can be pronounced two different ways (think; Aaaahna or ANNE-A) and I feel my brain spitting out one way and then I have to correct myself and then I panic because… I can’t remember which one is right.
Just talking about names made me stop to read the article but I ALSO think it’s awkward to call the ones closest to you by their full name.
SO AWKWARD.
It’s an incredibly intimate thing. It’s probably awkward for me because it’s very hard to be vulnerable.
But it’s strange because, as the article mentions, saying someones name is like a magic spell. It’s incredibly powerful, if done the right way, it makes people like you.(If you are rage screaming their name… probably the opposite!)
I am thrilled when my superior, people I just met, someone off the street… know/remember/say my name.
But if one of my closest intimate friends turns to me and says my name, I’m like… what?
I can’t imagine my husband saying my name directly to me. Hasn’t happened in years.
I certainly don’t go around addressing him by his name.
“Some people can’t bring themselves to say the name of their wife or boyfriend or best friend—it can feel too vulnerable, too formal, or too plain awkward. Dale Carnegie was onto something: Names have a kind of power. How we use or avoid them can be a surprising window into the nature of our relationships and how we try to shape them.”
I don’t know why I’m surprised that this is now a “named” thing. Alexinomia. But I absolutely have this. Or at least a light form of it. I’m not blocked completely. It’s so curious that they just named it in 2023. I started reading the NIH Pubmed on it and it’s fascinating.
I am obsessed with reading all (okay, some… skimming anyway) the participants comments. They drill down to 1st level experience, 2nd level, and 3rd level. It goes over their subjected experience:
They went over the effects and coping strategies:
And even asked questions about vulnerability
While I am not completely sidelined by this to a huge degree, I absolutely resonate with some of these feelings. Saying names can feel like a little shock, like I’m looking into their eyes, I have felt my chest contract at times.
I will use nicknames, I will say ‘hey’, and I think it creates a barrier or distance. Is this alexinomia a social anxiety of sorts? It sounds like it. Maybe a form of avoidant personality. Definitely a problem with expressing emotions.
“Taken together our findings based on both qualitative and quantitative data suggest alexinomia lies at the center of where social anxiety, fear of attachment, and impaired emotional processing with regards to social interactions meet.”
“Saying the name of a loved one was frequently described as too close, too personal, too intimate, and thus overwhelming and emotionally exposing. Therefore, some affected individuals speculated that not saying a name could have the function of keeping the other person at a certain distance. This distance, however, puts strain on the relationship and affected individuals expressed a strong desire to be able to overcome it.”
I think I have done fairly well in working on my discomfort over the years. I know I’ve thought about the fact I don’t say people’s names, and I’m sure I’ve light-heartedly had a conversation with people about it. I like to know people’s names, I like to use them, and I understand the power it has. I guess I like to use people’s names because of that power. I definitely like power.
I have been completely fascinated all day about this article, and then the actual research.
“In his case studies and review of internet forums, Ditye noticed that many people mentioned tripping up on the names of those they were most intimate with—like me, with my sister. This might sound counterintuitive, but saying the names of people already close to us can feel “too personal, too emotional, to a degree that it’s unpleasant,” Ditye told me, even more so than saying the name of a stranger. Perhaps the stakes are higher with those we love, or the intimacy is exaggerated.”
I think that is true that it’s harder with my intimate relations but it can go into various forms. The pubmed went into detail about hierarchy playing a role. I don’t just walk into my bosses office and greet him with his name. But walking around the office and stopping to talk with people, I will absolutely use their names. Not always but I will walk up to them with a warm smile and say, “Hi name!”.
If I’m feeling confident, I know I have used names with superiors. But it’s definitely a power play, and pulling confidence to do it. I don’t have this to a huge degree though, but it’s fascinating what the participants of the study were saying.
Names do have power. If it’s your Mom saying your full given name, you are absolutely in trouble.
I’m trying to think about how I feel when people say my name to me. It really depends. Sometime’s it’s absolutely fine. I always laugh because when it’s on a virtual meeting, it’s my cue to REALLY pay attention. I’m “Mom” to my kids and that’s fine. Someone calling my name in a store is fine. But when you are sitting across from someone and it’s just two of you together, it really does feel intimate and more serious. And sometimes that feels fine. Other times it doesn’t.
“One of Ditye’s study participants shared that her husband was upset by her inability to say his name. It made him feel unloved.”
I would probably feel more loved hearing my name. I would probably feel uncomfortable at first but it’s something for me to think about and practice. If I want to have a growth edge in this practice anyway! Do I? I’m not sure.
“As Dale Carnegie wrote, “a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” Pushing through the discomfort and simply saying their name every now and then can remind your loved ones that you care. By saying someone else’s name, even when it’s awkward, you’ll be offering a bit of yourself at the same time.”
Yep.
